Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

 TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

 Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”

 Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

 Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

 United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

 San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

 If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

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There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.

 Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

 “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

 Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

 Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

 Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″

 Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

 Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

 BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

 The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

 Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

 The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

 Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

 Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

 Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

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While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

 Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

 “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

 Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

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Senior Citizen Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, were living in Florida, and got very excited about their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they passed a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation? ”
Pharmacist: “All kinds”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely. ”
Jacob: “How about suppositories? ”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s? ”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely. ”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion? ”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure..”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

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The Soldier and the Dog

An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

“Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked. The lady looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans are so rude” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down” he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I just please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

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Coming For Thanksgiving

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way. What are we going to do for Christmas?”

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The Math teacher, The Priest and The Soldier

A priest, a math teacher, and a soldier all got on the plane.

The math teacher took out his math book to plan his next lesson, and it fell out the window.

The priest took out to bible to pray, and it fell out the window.

The soldier took out a grenade in memory of his grandfather, and it fell out the window.

They all got off the plane.

The math teacher found a girl crying on the sidewalk. The math teacher asks, “Why are you crying?” The little girl says, “A math book fell from the sky and hit me on the head!” The math teacher walked away.

The priest found a little boy crying on his lawn. The priest asked, “Why are you crying?” The little boy said, “A bible fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!” The priest walked away.

The soldier found a boy on the street laughing his head off. The soldier asks, “Why are you laughing so hard?” The little boy said,” I farted and that house blew up!!!!”

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The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

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3 Idiot Awards : Funny

Idiot # 1

 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

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Idiot # 2

 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.

 They are no longer employed at Boeing.

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Idiot # 3

 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

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Crazy Laws from Around the World

All countries having some real stupid and crazy laws which do not have any meaning at all. But, this list is top on all of them. :

1.You’re not allowed to flag a taxi down in London if you have the plague. Erm, seeing as I don’t know anyone who has the plague, isn’t it about time this ancient law was updated?!

2.Women aren’t allowed to go topless in Liverpool- unless they work in a tropical fish store!

3.Residents in Ohio, USA are banned from getting fish drunk. Unfortunately, I can’t find a reason why someone thought there was the need for such a law.

4.A pregnant women is legally entitled to go for a piss anywhere she likes in the UK! If shes desperate, she can even ask a policeman to remove his helmet so she can do the necessary!

5.It’s apparently illegal to die in the houses of Parliament– I was wondering what the punishment would be if the worst was to happen! Your guess is as good as mine!

6.Another one from America (surprise, surprise)….It’s against the law for cats and dogs to fight in North Carolina. What are they going to do though, arrest them?

7.Strange but true….If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and asks to use your toilet, you must let them in! Not a lot of people know about this law apparently….and on behalf of Scottish people reading this– just as well, I say!

8.In some places in America, a women is only allowed to get false teeth fitted if she’s got written permission from her husband– what if he says no?!

9.In Tennessee, USA, it’s against the law to drive a car while your asleep! I’m still amazed that they actually need a law for this– surely it’s common sense?!

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Husband and wife – Before and After Marriage

Husband and wife – BEFORE MARRIAGE:

 Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!

 Wife – Do you want me to leave?

 Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.

 Wife – Do you love me?

 Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!

 Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?

 Husband – No! Why are you even asking?

 Wife – Will you kiss me?

 Husband – Every chance I get!

 Wife – Will you hit me?

 Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!

 Wife – Can I trust you?

 Husband – Yes.

 Wife – Darling!

Now Read the above conversation BACKWARDS to know what happens After Marriage :P 

DON'T FORGET TO SHARE

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RULE BOOK FOR GUYS

Rules from men to women:

 1.Men are NOT mind readers.

 2.Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 3.Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 4.Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 5.Crying is blackmail.

 6.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 7.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 8.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 9.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

 10.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 11.If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 12.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

 13.If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 14.You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 15.Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 16.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 17.ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 18.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 19.If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 20.If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

 21.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

 22.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

 23.You have enough clothes.

 24.You have too many shoes.

 25.I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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Rules from men to men:

 1.Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

 2.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 3.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

 1.The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

 2.After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari

 3.When your date is using her teeth

 4.Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 5.If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

 6.The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

 7.Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 8.No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)

 9.When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

 10.Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 11.If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothing’.

 12.Women who claim the “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

 13.If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

 14.Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

 1.Yeah, Baby, Push it!

 2.C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

 3.Another set and we can hit the showers!

 4.Nice A*s, are you a Sagittarius?

 15.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 16.When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

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Blondes Blondes Blondes

2 Blondes with hammers:

 Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

 Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?’

 Carol explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.’

 Donna got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house.

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The blonde who tried to commit suicide:

 A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

 ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

 ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.

 ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

 ‘No, Silly,’ the blonde said, ‘first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’

 ‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

 ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’

 ‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

 ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

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Damage from a hail storm:

 A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

 The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

 Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, ‘What are you doing?’

 The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’

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The Beautiful Girl at Customs

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

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22 funny translation mistakes

1. Japanese hotel room – You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid

 2. Paris hotel elevator – Please leave your values at the front desk

 3. Tokyo hotel – It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not read this notice

 4. Bucharest hotel – The list is being fixed for the next day. During this time you will be unbearable

 5. Leipzig elevator – Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up

 6. Athens hotel – Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily

 7. Belgrade elevator – To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically in national order.

 8. Sarajevo hotel – The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid

 9. Moscow hotel – You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday

 10. Swiss menu – Our wines leave you nothing to hope for

 11. Hong Kong tailors shop – Ladies may have a fit upstairs

 12. Bangkok dry cleaners – Drop your trousers here for best results

 13. Paris dress shop – Dresses for street walking

 14. Rhodes tailor shop – Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation

 15. Hong Kong advert – Teeth extracted by the latest methodists

 16. Rome laundry – Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time

 17. Swiss mountain inn – Special today… no ice cream

 18. Copenhagen airline – We take your bags and send them in all directions

 19. Moscow hotel – If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it

 20. Norwegian lounge – Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar

 21. Tokyo shop – Our nylons cost more than common but they are better for the long run

 22. Acapulco hotel – The manager has personally passed all the water served here

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Why guys have it better

•Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 •You know stuff about guns.

 •A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 •You can open all your own jars.

 •You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

 •You can leave the motel bed unmade.

 •You get extra credit for the slightest acts of thoughtfulness.

 •Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 •Wedding dress: $2,000; Tuxedo rental: $75

 •Your underwear cost $10 for a three pack.

 •You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

 •Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 •Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 •You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

 •Grey hair and wrinkles add character.

 •You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

 •If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.

 •Your pals will never trap you with, “So, notice anything different?”

 •You almost never have strap problems in public.

 •You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 •The same hairstyle last for years, even decades.

 •A few belches are expected and tolerated.

 •One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

 •You can”do” your nails with a pocketknife.

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Funny Husband Wife in Kitchen

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

 They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

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Little Johnny Rocking in class

 

Teacher: “Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: “Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny’s crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems – that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom.”

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day… Teacher: “Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita.”

Anita: “Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn’t have to walk so far to get bread and milk.” Teacher: “Very good Anita! Yes – Suzie!”

Suzie: “Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home.”

Teacher: “Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny’s hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: “Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.”

Little Johnny: “Near my home, they are building a brothel.”

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, “Hey, relax girls… it hasn’t opened yet!”
 

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Ugliest man in the world

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quasimoto (Hunchback of Notre Dame) were standing around talking.

Hercules spoke up and said, “I bet I am the strongest man in the world.” Snow White then looked around and said, “Well I bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world.” Then Quasimoto looks around and quietly said, “I suppose that I am the ugliest man in the world.”

An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said, “There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don’t you each go in there and ask her yourself?” The three friends agreed and they hiked to the top of the hill.

Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and said, “I was right, I am the strongest man in the world.”

Snow White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said, “I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world.”

Finally it was Quasimoto’s turn. He went in and after a few minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his friends and said, “Who is George Bush?”

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Divorce or Die-vorce?

Dievorce (no it’s not a typo)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend,and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.. Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says. “Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”

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Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

 I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.

 I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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wedding night – Old groom and young bride

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
 

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How much is that Barbie?

 

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”

She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
 

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Medicare Coverage

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’ 

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AT & T

 

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.
 I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
 Me: (swallowing) Hello
 AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…
 Me: Is this AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…
 Me: This is AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes This is AT&T…
 Me: Is this AT&T?
 AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
 Me: May I ask who is calling?
 AT&T: This is AT&T.
 Me: OK, hold on.
 At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
 Me: Hello?
 AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
 Me: May I ask who is calling please?
 AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
 Me: Is this AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes this is AT&T…
 Me: This is AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
 Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
 AT&T: Yes sir.
 Me: The phone company?
 AT&T: Yes sir.
 Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
 AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
 Me: I already have a phone.
 AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today Mr. Byron.
 Me: Well whatever it is, I’m really not interested but thanks for calling.
 When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested,” but this lady was persistent.
 AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate.” I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
 Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
 AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
 Me: 7 days a week?
 AT&T: That’s right.
 Me: 365 days a year?
 AT&T: Yes sir.
 Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
 AT&T: We think so!
 Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
 AT&T: Yes sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
 Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
 AT&T: Excuse me?
 Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
 AT&T: What are you talking about?
 Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
 AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
 Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
 AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but……
 Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
 AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for…..
 Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
 AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.
 Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
 AT&T: What?
 Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
 AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
 So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
 Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
 Me: Yeth?
 Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
 Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
 Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
 I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
 Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
 Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
 Me: Thank you.
 I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
 AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
 Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…
 AT&T: (click)

 

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Little Johnny wants to marry a girl

 

Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa’s father to ask for his blessing.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, “Well Johnny, you’re only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Lisa’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

He then says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you’ve got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should kids of your own?”

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says “We’ve been lucky so far…” 

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Little Johnny sleeping with his class teacher : LMAO

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks “Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?”.

His teacher replies “NO”

Johnny moans and says “But my mummy lets me”.

“OK then, just for tonight” the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks “Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger”.

She again says “NO”.

“But my mummy lets me” says Johnny again.

“Well I suppose it’s OK” replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming “THAT’S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON”

Little Johnny replies “It isn’t my finger either”.

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Train in dark tunnel

 

A Manager, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed. The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking:
 These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

The Young girl is thinking:
 The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.

The Manager is thinking:
 Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

The Assistant is thinking:
 If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. He keeps harassing me in the Office.
 

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