What, Exactly, Are Cats..???

 

    1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

    2. They rarely listen to you.

    3. They're totally unpredictable.

    4. They whine when they are not happy.

    5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

    8. They're moody.

    9. They leave their hair everywhere.

    10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

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Meals On Wheels

 

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

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Lost In West Virginia Memories

 

A reporter goes to the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He meets an old man and asks him about memorable moments in his life.

"Well," says the old man, "one time my favorite sheep got lost. Me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then, we finished the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter asks for another story.

"Well," says the old man, "one time my neighbor's pig got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found the pig. Then, we finished the moonshine and screwed it. Now that was a lot of fun."

The frustrated reporter tells the old man that he can't write articles about these stories and asks if he has any sad memories he can talk about.

The old man says "Well, one time I got lost... ."

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Whale Pleasures

 

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a fishing boat one whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes and capsize the boat, for a laugh''.

They proceed to do this and swim back down laughing their flippers off.

Then the first whale says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat a few?''

The other whale then replies ''Look mate I don't mind the odd blow job but I refuse to swallow seamen!!!!''

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Amish Woman Driver

 

An Amish lady trots down the road in her horse and buggy when a cop pulls her over. "Ma'am," says the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responds the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away," instructs the cop.

Later, the lady tells her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"He said the reflector is broken," she tells her husband.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asks Jacob.

She says, "I'm not sure, Jacob -- something about the emergency brake."

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Farmboy In Whorehouse

 

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.

After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.

The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."

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The Old Lady's Three Wishes

 

A fairy godmother decides to grant three wishes to a little old lady.

"What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asks.

The little old lady says, "I would like to be rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

"And for your second wish?" asks her fairy godmother.

The little old lady says, "I would like to be young again."

POOF! The little old lady is now a beautiful young woman.

"And for your third and final wish?" asks her fairy godmother.

The young woman's cat, Burt, jumps into her lap.

She asks the fairy godmother, "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

POOF! Suddenly, Burt is a handsome young prince.

The handsome young prince leans down to the young woman and whispers softly in her ear, "Don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered?"

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