Layaway Plan

Sam brings a beautiful woman into a fancy Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" Sam exclaims.

As the lady tries on the coat, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem. I'll write you a check."

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

On Monday, Sam returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here? There isn't a single penny in your checking account."

"I just had to come by," grins Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."

Read More

Mud Hole Moral

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. 

The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer.

The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.

The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Read More

Teacher Student Conversation

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?" 

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back. 

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick." 

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later. 

Then he saw another bigger one... But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him. 

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.  

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. 

The teacher told him, "...this is love... You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person...." 

"What is marriage then?" the student asked. 

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. 

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick." 

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher. 

The teacher told him, "This time you bring back a corn.... You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... This is marriage.

Read More

Very Very Funny.. Must Read

Three men : a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven.

If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.

The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.

The mathematician also went to hell.

The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

The idiot went to Heaven. - 

Read More

very very funny

A guy asked a girl in a library;

“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes,

the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;

“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

Read More

Smart Guy

An Indian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Indian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Smart Indian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return? -

Read More

Funny Little Johnny..lol

Teacher said to the class"Children, tomorrow I would like u to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home, and what is d advantage of this new development. 

At the end of the class, teacher asks all the little girls to remain behind for 5 mins.

Teacher said: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty, that is why I am asking you all to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, u all will get up and leave the classroom. Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day - Time for the assignment...

Anita: Near my home, a supermarket is being built... Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk"

Teacher: "Very good!

Suzie: Near my home, they are building a furniture factory... My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home...

Teacher: "Excellent,

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.

Little Johnny: Near my home, they are building a brothel. As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.... Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts" it hasn't opened yet!...its still under construction!

Read More

buy a bra for my wife

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. 

The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. 

Which one would you prefer?”

The man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. 

The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; 

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”

Read More

Men are Men

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmo’s for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he choose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)

*

**

***

****

*****

******

*******

********

*********

**********

*********

********

*******

******

*****

****

***

**

*

He married the most beautiful one.

Men are Men…. Obviously!!!

Read More

pussy bitch

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

"What's a bitch and a pussy?"

"Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat."

The boy thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad.

"What's a bitch and a pussy?"

Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy.

"Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!"

Read More

Husband wife cheat

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.

After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Read More

Powder Proof

 

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes. He walks there only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment. After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?"

The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

Read More

Real Men

 

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed I ain't gonna beat you today.'"

Read More

Poor Hearing

 

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.

Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Read More

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

 

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.

"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."

The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put local anesthetic drug novocaine in the massage oil!"

Read More

Husbands Performance

 

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."

The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Read More

Pickle Slicer

 

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

Read More

Princess And The Frog

 

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."

Read More

Prison Mail

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Read More

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

 

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him. The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Read More

Paying The Price

 

William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

Read More

Posted in | No comments

Long D!&k

 

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

Read More

Man At Bed Time

A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around.

As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?"

She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."

Read More

Moms Help At The Honeymoon

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.

The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"

Read More

New Family For The Parrot

 

A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.

The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.

The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."

When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."

Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.

When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"

Read More

Meal To Die For

 

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

Read More

Heavenly Marital Help

 

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Read More

Fence Of Love

 

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Read More

Morning Messages

 

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner, but his wife was already preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he grabbed his cell phone and texted his wife:

"The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hell with breakfast,
come back to bed."

The wife answered the text:
"Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkey's exhausted.
No circus today."

So he sent another text:
"The tent pole's still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you're doing
and come give me some head."

To which she texted back:
"I know that your pole's
the best in the land,
but I'm busy right now,
so do it by hand."

Read More

The Husbands' Best Friend

 

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Read More

300% Impotent

 

An unhappy Lady visits a Sexologist,

Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.

"I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"

"Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

Read More

Anniversary Lingerie

 

For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.

He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out."

"Well, what do you think today?"

He says, "I think I did a good job."

Read More

Hiding In The Closet

 

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet, and he's got no clothes on!"

He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife. He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Read More

The Engineer And The Talking Frog

 

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Read More

After The Honeymoon

 

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."

"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"

Read More

Hot Breakfast

 

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

Read More

A Blode Gets Burnt..!!

 

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?"

"I tried to call for an ambulance."

Read More

Guardian Angel

 

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

Read More

Geriatric Acrobatics

 

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

Read More

Devil In The Church

 

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Read More

The Bar Exam

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man.

So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick. 

Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being.

But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money.

The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said. 

All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said “Mmmmnnn! A buffet!”

Read More

Circus Elephant

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Read More

Egg Donor

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars.

A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

Read More